Crazy Taxi

Well it seems like every post I make is few and far between, always with the same title of: "long time no see".

So I cunningly avoided that this time, by .. wait a sec.. damn, by talking about it I havent avoided anything! Instead I have just rambled on and wasted all our time chatting about nothing in particular. It's like being in a taxi having to make that annoying small talk with the driver, knowing you will never see him again and not really caring about what the latest tragedy in his life of traffic jams is. Speaking of which, you would not believe the cab journey I had the other day...

--- wibbly lines cross the screen and the image fades to 18:27 outside the front doors of Green Fields offices ---

Exiting the building is me, looking tired but with a hint of relief at it being the end of the day, at the end of the week. I'm carrying a box and making my way to a large black car.
"ello boss, jus' tha one box is it?" The cab driver said in a very thick Pakistani accent.
"huh? Oh, um.. yes. Thanks. Shall I put it in the back?" I say.
The cab driver opens the boot and I slide the box in before climbing into the back seat, fully prepared to doze off until I get home.
"bad traffic this way boss. I'll try and go down this road instead k?"
"err ok" I say, thinking all the while - I dont care, so long as its the right direction just go!

I should point out at this point that I would normally be on a train in a mild coma by this point on my journey home. Holding a conversation was proving to be a tad difficult but the guy was persistant, boy, was he persistant.

"not a bad area round here boss, expensive though is it? This where you work is it boss?"

Too many questions for me.. I made some vague responses and there was silence. Then I make a fatally stupid error and ask "So you got a long shift tonight?" Stupid! Oh my god, what have I done? What on earth possesed me to say that? Sagging a little I resign myself to the fact that there will be no stopping him now.

"yes boss, 5 till 5. Started at 5pm, finish at 5am, then I have to go home; I live in High Wycombe; and start my other job as a postman at 6am."

Annoyed at myself I still cant help but fuel the fire. " You have two jobs? Sheesh, when do you sleep?"

"Well boss" he says, "I finish at about 11am then I have about 4 hours sleep before starting here again. Except on Sundays that is boss. On Sundays I just sleep all day." He pauses before adding "Unless the kids wake me".

I dont know whats wrong with me, its like I'm on an icy hillside sliding down towards the motorway at the bottom, but still I continue. "Two kids huh? must be tough"

He chuckles and continues with "Yes boss, can be... It is my sons birthday in June, he will be five. No wait four. No, no, no he will be five in June. My Daughter she will be ten in June. Do you have children boss?"
"Not me" I say. "not yet anyway"
I settle back into the chair, mind wondering aimlessly as Clapham Common slides past. But I'm brought back soon enough. "So what do you think about London then boss? You like living here? Whats it like where you live then? Is it nice boss? What do you think of Bracknel, Bracknel is a nice place, not quite as nice as Marlowe but then Marlow is very expensive isnt it boss? I dont like to live in London boss, I like it out in High Wycombe. I like the quiet innit boss?"

Slightly stunned by this barrage, I sidestep it all by asking how long he has been in the UK for, all the while inwardly cursing myself for getting involved at all.

"Oh I been here for 7 years now innit boss. I was a very successfull businessman in Pakistan with a 12 bedroom house, 3 cars and a driver. My brother and father are there doing very well, but I sold up and with £25,000 came over here to start my own business selling used cars. But it didnt work to well is it boss and so now I do this an the postman job."

"Dont you want to go back home?" I ask

"Yes boss but my wife, she dont like to go back for long times. She likes holidays there but she is from here innit. Her mother and father are here so she doesnt want to go."

I've got some kind of disease. I say "I'd love to go and see more of the world." What the bloody hell was that?! Why am I opening another avenue of conversation?

"Oh boss, Pakistan is amazing. There is this valley; and I'm not lying or making it up when I say this; that is so beautiful. you would think it was paradise my friend." When did I become 'friend' and not 'boss'? "There are a few English out there boss" ahh back too 'boss' now.

"Really?" I mumble

"Yes boss, the doctor told them they needed to be somewhere warm for some skin condition or something" Oh my, how lovely. Thanks for sharing that. "not that its that warm. In fact in the winter we get more snow than you do boss. Very cold it gets. Very Cold. Seventeen feet of snow last year boss."

Tooting Bec Lido slips by my window and I remember diving into the freezing water one summer when I was a kid. I must have missed something that he had been saying because now he is talking about how important it is to look after your parents and that not enough people do.
"so my daughter was going to all these Christmas parties; we're Muslims but you know..."

"of course, its hard for children when all their firends are having parties and stuff" I say

"Yes boss, we're Muslims" Still? And I thought you may have converted since you last told me. "and there was this old lady on my post round that would always be asking if she had any letters from America. Her daughters live there boss, but they dont write to her you see boss?" I sat there trying to remembr the last time I had written a letter to anyone. "So last Christmas, and we're Muslims" Thanks I got that "we took her round to our house and she was really happy innit boss. She made cake and had a really good time she said. And we're Muslims"

"yes" I agree, "it's important to look after the older generation, and I don't think religion should be anything to do with basic human kindness" Am I getting into a religious debate with a cab driver?

Well whatever it is my philisophical friend agrees. "Thats right boss, thats right"

There is a long period of silence as we approach Crystal Palace and I begin to think that he has exhausted himself. After all, he cant possibly go through all this with each client can he? Could he really? Surely it would be tiring for him as well wouldnt it? I wonder what time I will get home tonight? Will I get home earlier than if I was on the train? I wonder if I could drive into work... That is a disgusting coloured car, what's that dog doing does he have an owner? look at the state of this high street I cant believe it's still as bad as this around here.

Then breaking my reverie the cab driver hesitantly asks: "Boss, can I ask you a question? Dont be offended by it" what the hell are you going to ask me that I would be offended??? " but what do you think about the September eleven Amreican thing?"

I have to admit, it took me a little while for what he was asking to sink in but when it did I realised pretty quickly that I ought to be fairly diplomatic here, especially until I figure out what he really thinks about the whole thing. "Umm, in what sense exactly?" that ought to buy me some time even if it does make me look a bit dense.

"Well boss, I mean do you think it really happened?" Oh no... I sense a conspiracy theory looming. "You know what I mean boss? You think it really happened or did America want to go to war?" oh this is bad, where are we? Crystal Palace Parade, five minutes left of the journey...

I take a breath and say "Well, who can really say for certain? I dont think anyone really knows what happened exactly, but I doubt any country would do that to themselves. Do i think it was islaamic extremists? Probably. Do I think America's wars were entirely justifiable? Maybe not." damn it I'm now talking politics and religion at the same time. I am willing the journey to come to an end. This is getting weird.

He looks up at me in his rearview mirror and says, "Boss, did you know that on any normal day there were over 25,000 jews working in the buildings, in the what do you call them? The Towers. The Twin Towers. But on that day there were none. What does that make you think boss?" and there we have it the conspiracy theory. The theory that Israel did it to provoke war. It's not even a new theory. And frankly its the weakest of them all.

"Yeah I've heard that. But it seems unlikely to me" I say. I deliberately cutting it short, not wanting it to go any further.

Not so long after, we are are approaching Beckenham and I'm nearly home. "Nice this place boss, what are the people like here? Are they nice boss? Are they mostly English?"

"um yes I suppose they are mostly English, though I dont think thats nescessarily a good thing." I say, wondering where this is leading.

"Its good boss, I think there are too many foreigners coming in boss, they bring an area down innit"

Has he forgotten where he is from? "umm how long did you say you have you been in the UK?" I ask.

"Oh about seven years now boss." So at what point did you decide to close the door behind you? I think to myself. Then I realise where we are and escape is suddenly a definate possibility. "Aha this is me. Thanks very much, how much does that come to?"

I pay him, grab my box from the back and I'm home. I think I am more tired than I was when I left work an hour or so ago.

--- wibbly lines cross the screen and the image fades back to the here and now ---

Wow that was much longer than I expected it to be! But I had to let you know about my bizzarre journey. I bet your still wondering what was in the box arnt you? heheheh